If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How does one acquire holy water?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Congratulations! We have a period
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