theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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