Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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