who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
