i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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