fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
