how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
