dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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