and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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