Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
