1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
