I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
