I wish I could teleport
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
