I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Randomize
