You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
