Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
