your parents love me but you hate me
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
