Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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