Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
