i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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