You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
