If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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