I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
