are you so shy because you have an std?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
