I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
