You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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