Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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