Just fell off a train. Bad.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
