none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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