I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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