Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Pants are for mortals
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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