We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
