You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
