you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
