I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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