Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
