i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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