Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
