You don't have asthma, your pregnant
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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