I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
