I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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