I can't watch pbs sober anymore
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
