She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
