Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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