Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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