The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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