can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
