I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The Olympian is in my bed
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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