I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
