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After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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