He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
