Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Still dying that you shit outside
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
