I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
