There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
we're so committed to being not committed
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
