guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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