Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
