I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
