i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
