A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
