just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
