They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
