got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
