If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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