I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
