apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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