the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
